The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
Remember the disintegrator/re-integrator machine from The Fly? Well, put a psychotic version of Lance Henrikson in one pod, and Tommy Wiseau in the other, flick the switch and the result will be something like Dieter Laser's performance in this bizarre but oddly entertaining horror film. Though it must be said that Laser's buttocks are in better condition than Wiseau's, even the audience should have been spared the horror of seeing either set.
Writer/director Tom Six seems to have channelled David Cronenberg, in constructing the story of a "respected medical professional", Dr Heiter - a surgeon who kidnaps hapless victims in order to perform a radical new procedure: to construct a human centipede, by sewing the victims together.
No need to elaborate here, as Dr Heiter gives a full account of the surgery, compete with an impressive slide presentation on an overhead projector, as his victims, tied to hospital beds, cry and curse. Their loss, really, as he makes it quite clear at the outset that he will be explaining the surgical procedure only once. And woe betide the poor girl who defies him and ends up as the middle section.
I know what you're thinking: this Dr Heiter chap is downright reckless, right? Well, in fairness to him, the procedure had been tried out on animals first. Sadly, his beloved dogs didn't survive, and all he has to remember them, aside from their grave, is a photograph of a surgically conjoined conga row of rotties, which he occasionally strokes wistfully. Perhaps even ruefully. It's hard to tell, as emotional expression (aside from anger and disgust) doesn't appear to be his strong point. But boy, he's a dab hand with a scalpel, a staple gun and several rolls of gauze.
And so, back to our human victims. Once the surgery is complete, and we are convinced that this man is irredeemably evil, Dr Heiter takes the trio outside for a spot of fresh air and does what every responsible pet owner should do: he sets about training the human centipede.
You may be wondering how he managed to subdue his victims in the first place. Just in case you decide you can't bring yourself to see the film (your loss), I'm going to tell you, as you never know when someone might try to attach your mouth to someone else's…let's not go there. Suffice it to say, if you happen upon a house in the middle of the woods, inhabited by a misanthrope with a cold glare and a room decorated with black candles, thirsty as you may be, don't drink any water he gives you.
Incidentally, the air in Germany must be mighty dusty, because I've never seen so many people in one film so keen to accept a glass of water, and drink the entire contents so conscientiously.
Believe it or not, this film is not nearly as grotesque as you might think. Sure, the concept is unusual (I hope), but it's really not a graphically violent or bloody film.
It is, however, utterly hilarious, thanks wholly to Dr Heiter's eccentric character. Some of his lines are really very funny. Whether they're supposed to be funny or not, I have no idea, but that doesn't really matter when it comes to being entertained.
And it's pure entertainment that Cinema Nova has in mind, scheduling The Human Centipede as part of their Cult Cravings line-up (previous films have included the aforementioned Tommy "oh hai, Mark" Wiseau's: The Room).
The most appalling thing about The Human Centipede, in retrospect, is the racism: the Nazi-like German with a penchant for medical experimentation, vacuous, toothy, American bimbo tourists, and a heroic, kamikaze Japanese guy.
But it's all in good fun. I think.
You will need to see this with a group of friends, preferably some with a scientific background, so you can engage in a thorough de-briefing after the film, to determine the medical legitimacy of Dr Heiter's procedure (I'm still trying to work out how the middle girl could sob incessantly, gasping for air, despite her mouth being attached to…well, let's not go there).
Apparently Tom Six consulted a Dutch surgeon to outline how such a procedure could be performed. For some reason, the surgeon doesn't appear to have lent his name to the project.